So what if you don’t know. What if you cannot specify the exact emotions that compel you to think, to react. What if what you feel cannot easily be put into words. Cannot be filed into specific categories. It’s an overwhelming combination of various images, languages, words and sounds. It’s a stampede of emotions running through your body fighting to remain in your system. Then what?

Then you lie on your bed thinking to yourself – you got too much time on your hands.

E. M. Forster’s collection of books.

I don’t usually spend my birthday with big crowds. I usually do dinner with my close friends and spend the rest with my family. Rarely, actually only twice, did I do the whole party thing. Not that I didn’t like it, but I guess birthdays to me are about being content and at peace with how your year turned out. For me, I love having a moment by myself reflecting on my year.

This year, however, I feel like although it’s only been a year (obviously) since my last birthday, I can’t help feeling like five years went by. It’s almost like I really grew up, as weird as that sounds. Within the year, I adapted to university, worked my first job, and voted for the first time. I truly grew up.

Having said that, this year, dare I say, has been the best year of my life. Not necessarily in terms of fun, but in that I learned alot about me; not in the sense of confidence or learning about what I’m capable of but more in the sense of emotions. I realized this year that I’m a lot closed up than I’d like to think I am, a lot fearful of the future than I let on, and a lot more insecure than I like to say I am. Disturbing that I’m finding out I’m a hyprocrite and be happy about it eh? But I am, I think there were a lot of aspects and emotions I had to confront this year and I found the journey thrilling. Not completely done with the journey yet, but every lesson as rewarding as the last.

This is why a part of me is not looking forward to my birthday. This is the happiest time in my life and I just wish time would stop. School may not be the most interesting, especially Crim, but I find myself always looking forward to school. Love life is nonexistent but I like knowing I don’t need someone special to look forward to the weekends or feel like my life’s complete. Family is boring, but I smile each day at least once with just the thought of them. Friends are busy, but all I have to do is call and it’s like the past month of not talking never occurred.

I just want time to stop. Right now. at 11:15 on Novemeber 12, 2008.

No more aging.

I looked him up on youtube (so typical, I know!) and came across his speech at the Emmy’s in 2006. So funny!

I use to hate politics. In some countries, politics is integrated in one’s life very early on in their childhood. But not in mine.

I don’t think it’s so much that my parents never discussed politics with me early on but because I never felt the effects of change and therefore could never really understand why we needed to vote; nothing seemed to be changing, everything seemed fine, my parents weren’t upset with the government and I went about my happy young life.

When I hit my last year of high school, though, I began to feel the effects that I used to think so subtle  they weren’t real effects, much more strongly now. In fact, I began to understand that although my parents may never have been dissapointed with the government and what they’ve done, my parents weren’t me; they weren’t my voice, they don’t share my ideas, and they certainly don’t know how I feel.

I don’t like talking about it because it always seems to lead to an argument; considering my parents are very involved in the political aspects of Canada as well as the rest of the world and they get quite defensive together with the fact that they were my first source, it’s was not good. The rest of my friends also know as much as I do, but lack the drive to further learn or understand, my parents were my only option. But to a young girl who’s trying to play catch-up on all things political, and finding that she has to learn things about bills, laws, federal, provincial, and international, it’s uber overwelming and although I swore I wouldn’t go to them for help, I still needed their guidance. Another dilemma was that I didn’t want to get influenced. It’s not that I think they would deliberately persuade me to vote in their favour but when someone truly believes in a certain someone and what they represent, it’s hard to not express that in your emotions and speech.

So how I learned about politics was through radio, websites, political blogs, newspapers and it wasn’t hard. I realized that before, what I used to do was whenever something political occurred around me, I would unconciously ignore it because as I felt before, it never affected me. But now, everything to do with the country, the economy, education, world peace, the war, everything I listen, read, and realized that I was so wrong; Politics is so integrated in our society, in every day life, we just have to read and listen.

My reason to vote this year is that although I may be content with my life now, I want my life to stay content. But more importantly, I also want the less priviledge to have a life just like mine.

This year was the first year I voted. I didn’t get a certificate or some sort of recognition but I was so proud of myself. My chin raised a little higher. =)

Very unproductive, indeed.

Extremely unproductive.

Mariah Carey – Always be my baby.

With a total of 6 hours in sleep, I’m a ‘goner’.

At 3 in the morning, I am done for the day. Studying that is. Watching Frasier at the mo and I can’t help but wonder why I never watched this when it was on. Without even listening to what they’re saying, it’s all hilarious to me. Frasier’s facial expressions are the best! Here I am holding back my laughter as to not wake up the sleepers in the house.

Yes, I know.

Again, I say, I’m a goner. Officially. Insane.

If I wasn’t awake before, right after he said “your midterm’s next week”, I sure as heck woke up. Are you kidding me? I thought I could at least slack off for a day or two after what I had to go through this weekend. Guess not. Uggh. Sucks to be a student.

Next scene. I’m sitting in Chem class, again taking out my pen and paper when the prof comes in, greet us, and then proceeds to say, “Do you guys want to hear the good news or the bad news first?” Feeling like this was deja-vu, I turned to my friend and whispered – no, more like shrieked, “tell me there’s no midterm next week! Please!”. Just as my friend was about to answer, or maybe laugh, we heard the prof say “your midterm’s next week”.

Having to stare at my agenda for quite some time, it’s finally sinking in that I have two very important, crucial, life-threatening midterms next week. On the same day. Back to back.

Kill me now.